in the last week and some i've been living in a bad place, emotionally and spiritually. i've struggled with jealousy, rage, loneliness, and grief. i've cried. i've struggled to feel close to anyone, and pretty much failed.
i have no idea why.
---------------------------------
i sat alone in the living room of my whatever's house one night. he was asleep in the bedroom, and i'd closed the door so i wouldn't wake him up.
remember how i've said i'm looking for a home i've never felt i had?
i was just absolutely despondent. i was crying hard, silently, which always strikes me as kind of pathetic, and i kept saying, to myself maybe, or maybe to mama goddess, i don't know: "please, i don't want to do this anymore, please..."
a thought came to me, clear as anything, almost like a voice in my head. i saw a picture of dorothy's ruby slippers in my mind. i've always loved how they looked in the movie, all sparkling and red. i saw them sparkling in my mind, and i could hear glinda's voice saying, "but you've ALWAYS had the power to go home..."
 | |
| sparklesparklesparkle... |
then dorothy asked, as she always does, "but why didn't you tell me?"
glinda answered, "you never would have believed me. you had to learn it for yourself."
it hit me, i've always had the power. even at this moment, trying to write this out, i realize i don't really understand that thought yet, but i know in my gut, i've always had the power, to make a home maybe, or to stop being involved in something that makes me feel bad?
i went onto ebay and ordered a cheap necklace with a ruby slipper pendent. i'm wearing it right now, and thinking about what it is i need to do.
clearly something big is going on, but i don't understand what. gotta go get ready for work now, and think some more about this...
------------------------------------------
another quick thought: my whatever is just a guy, you know? he's not the devil, he's not saint anybody, he's just a guy.
a lot of what i'm feeling centers around him, and it occurs to me that he hasn't changed at all. i'm the one swirling around him like a hurricane.
i can imagine, oddly, that when the chaos, smoke and horror finally die away, he's just going to be standing there same as always. he may not be my whatever anymore, but whatever's happening now, it's not about him.
it's about me.
-------------------------------------
can't remember when i stared this entry, but it was a few weeks back, i think. i don't know why i didn't post it at the time. i haven't worn the ruby slippers necklace again, but the thought still lingers.
posting this now because it needs to be said...
No comments:
Post a Comment