(caveat: i'm having a really bad couple of days. take this all with a grain of salt, ok?)
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you read those cutesy sayings on facebook: you're strong, you're wonderful, you deserve to be loved...
that may be so, you may deserve to be loved but that doesn't mean you ever will be.
likewise, you might be able to convince yourself that you're strong and beautiful and wonderful, but then someone comes along and gives you the stink eye for whatever weird reason, and your doubts and insecurities rise up like the anti-christ to devour you whole.
the problem is, the whole world has an opinion on who and what you are, probably formulated on a moment's impression, and they share this opinion with you in every single interaction, every instance of body language, every time they respond to your emails or your postings on facebook or even when they're driving past you in their car and they stare too long.
the standard ego and sense of self worth is generally sufficient to the task of standing up to shallow interactions that are perceived as negative/judgmental. it's when they get closer to home, and more persistent, that the ego begins to take a beating it can't easily recover from.
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this song makes me cringe every time i hear it, and not because it isn't true...
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should mention, my daughter lives with my ex right now. we have joint physical and legal custody, but he has a more stable living situation, a girlfriend who lives with him who helps with the kids, and access to better schools, as well as a better paycheck, to be perfectly blunt. i made a really nasty decision that i frequently regret, but she's where she should be right now and so am i, and i need to keep reminding myself of that.
my ex lets me see my daughter only two weekends out of the month. he makes decisions about how much time he's going to let her come see me and he never questions whether or not he has the right to do this. there's nothing i can do unless i'm willing to go back to court and drag us all through the mud in front of a judge.
he didn't work for the entirety of our daughter's first 9 years. i had to carry his dead weight throughout our almost 15 years of marriage. he used me up in all possible ways, and now he tells me i'm a deadbeat, i'm lazy, i'm insane (really. he said that), and a handful of other things, all along the lines of "things are shitty for you and it's all your fault", and he's not the only one saying things like that.
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| sometimes it scares me, the things i can't let go of. sometimes i feel like i can't move forward because of all the crap that cements me into my past... |
my daughter has said all along that she wants to live with me, and it's been really hard trying to explain to her why she needs to stay with papa. when we first separated, she was still in that little kid stage of needing to be with me, and she cried every time she had to leave.
that used to piss my ex off so much - my daughter told me he'd yell at her every time she cried. i tried explaining it to him a number of times. never took.
recently, she's been getting more independent, as she should, and she's showing that she doesn't need to be near me all the time anymore. one weekend not too long ago, she spent most of her time across the street playing and with the neighbor girl. i spent a lot of that weekend crying, missing her and yet wanting her to play with her friends.
i feel like the world is systematically stripping from me everything i love and/or care about. in my daughter's case, it's right and good that she learns how to live without me, and i'll do everything i can to encourage her to do it, and yet...
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| sometimes i wonder if i really belong anywhere. not talking about suicide. i'd never do that. just wondering why it feels like there's no one place in the world that will ever be mine. click on the picture for a link to a poem... |
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someone i know made a comment about how i'm doing things, coming right out and telling me i'm a horrible mother, and that she's seen cats that are better mothers. this person made these comments for a number of reasons, but oddly, not for the reasons you'd think. i was getting yelled at because, even though i hadn't seen my daughter for two weeks, i was expected to continue to NOT see her because i had a cold.
i don't care who you are or how secure you are, it hurts when someone says something like that. i asked her why she felt the need to be so rude, when i hadn't been rude to her. i didn't get a particularly comprehensive answer, but i didn't expect one.
it's really hard to keep your head up and keep believing you can accomplish anything significant, when most of what you hear is someone telling you how much you suck.
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when i get alone and quiet, though, and i have a bit of time to let this stuff pass, i usually manage to regain my equilibrium.
thought: maybe the reason why i just can't seem to pick myself up lately is that even if mr bluebird of happiness DID desire to alight on my shoulder, he would soon be devoured by mr happy snake, who has taken up residence and is QUITE content where he is, thank you very much.
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| zippity doo dah, zippity yay, my oh my what a wonderful... SQUAWK!!!! ACCKKK gargle erggghhhh.... |
mr happy makes me peaceful. he stops and stares up at me and i swear he's giving me lovie eyes. all the snakes make feel that way. there's mr happy the ball python, stimpy the orange corn snake, and roscoe, my baby cornsnake, the one that actually belongs to me. even fatty the argentinian tegu gives me the lovie eye, and he's a cranky old dinosaur.
but honestly, it feels like that's about all the peaceful i can find in my life these days. there are good moments, of course, but they're lived in an environment of emptiness that scares me and that i'm afraid is going to eventually consume me.
yes, i am trying to get back on my antidepressants. i promise i won't do anything foolish. really.
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