chicken-bucket-head-man rocks... no, really...

just found this, and had to add it to the blog:

speechless. just... speechless.

 does anyone know who this is, really? does anyone care enough to go find out?

i do. Of course i do. it's my modus operandi, my raison d'etre... i research everything. i climb the mountain because it's there. i ask the nasty question: "who the hell is this guy and why the fuck does he dress like that?"

turns out this is buckethead, aka brian patrick carroll. "he has been voted number 8 on a list in GuitarOne magazine of the "top 20 greatest guitar shredders of all time"... proof positive that you can't judge a guitarist by his/her featureless white mask and kentucky fried chicken bucket hat. sometimes people do crazy shit because they're JUST THAT GOOD.

Of course, i can't use that excuse, but hey, it does work for some people.

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things are weird, as always. i sure hope there's a meaning to what i'm going through, because if all i'm doing is just spinning my wheels and wasting my time on earth, then damn, am i ever going to have words with mama goddess when i get up to the great big sustainable-permaculture-family-farm-hippy-commune in the sky.

my whatever's son is visiting - right now he, his girlfriend and his girlfriend's daughter are all out in the pool messing around.

my daughter is out with my niece calla, grandma and grandpa. they're at gilroy gardens for the day. i didn't even bother to ask to go with them, nevermind the fact that i don't get to see my daughter for more than a few hours every two weeks...

i decided that today would be a writing day. i have indeed done some writing, though mostly just of the "reading over old stuff and rewriting" kind of writing.

i desperately need to get crackin' on the rhav story, because that's the closest to being done and it's book-length, which is the next hurdle i need to get over. sell a book, dammit ericka, sell a book!

i've been given an eviction notice. it's not the end of the world, though it felt like it at the time.

oh woe is me... *looking around for tiny violin*

of course, it ain't snowing here. it just doesn't snow here. i don't have to be out until dec 31st of this year, and really, that's a good long time to have to figure shit out, but still...

right now it just doesn't seem real. i'm sure as soon as the weather starts getting cooler, it'll start to become a whole lot more real.

sell a book, ericka... sell a book...

there's no place like home, there's no place like home...

a few thoughts:

in the last week and some i've been living in a bad place, emotionally and spiritually. i've struggled with jealousy, rage, loneliness, and grief. i've cried. i've struggled to feel close to anyone, and pretty much failed.

i have no idea why.

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i sat alone in the living room of my whatever's house one night. he was asleep in the bedroom, and i'd closed the door so i wouldn't wake him up.

remember how i've said i'm looking for a home i've never felt i had?

i was just absolutely despondent. i was crying hard, silently, which always strikes me as kind of pathetic, and i kept saying, to myself maybe, or maybe to mama goddess, i don't know: "please, i don't want to do this anymore, please..."

a thought came to me, clear as anything, almost like a voice in my head. i saw a picture of dorothy's ruby slippers in my mind. i've always loved how they looked in the movie, all sparkling and red. i saw them sparkling in my mind, and i could hear glinda's voice saying, "but you've ALWAYS had the power to go home..."

sparklesparklesparkle...

 then dorothy asked, as she always does, "but why didn't you tell me?"

glinda answered, "you never would have believed me. you had to learn it for yourself."

it hit me, i've always had the power. even at this moment, trying to write this out, i realize i don't really understand that thought yet, but i know in my gut, i've always had the power, to make a home maybe, or to stop being involved in something that makes me feel bad?

i went onto ebay and ordered a cheap necklace with a ruby slipper pendent. i'm wearing it right now, and thinking about what it is i need to do.

clearly something big is going on, but i don't understand what. gotta go get ready for work now, and think some more about this...

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another quick thought: my whatever is just a guy, you know? he's not the devil, he's not saint anybody, he's  just a guy.

a lot of what i'm feeling centers around him, and it occurs to me that he hasn't changed at all. i'm the one swirling around him like a hurricane.

i can imagine, oddly, that when the chaos, smoke and horror finally die away, he's just going to be standing there same as always. he may not be my whatever anymore, but whatever's happening now, it's not about him.

it's about me.

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can't remember when i stared this entry, but it was a few weeks back, i think. i don't know why i didn't post it at the time. i haven't worn the ruby slippers necklace again, but the thought still lingers.

posting this now because it needs to be said...